I woke up today in a great mood... Life was good, I had (still have) air in my lungs, and I woke up with the 5 senses I went to sleep with. But ya know this is my life I'm talkin about, nothing that begins well ever ends well...
I had no plans today aside from meeting up with Mylez and heading over to Dwayne's crib to get started on the filming for his second video. D doesn't live too far but we wanted to shoot in a few different spots and the idea of walking to all of them or walking to and from a train station all day wasn't at all pleasant.
So I figured I'd ask Rudy (my mother's husband) if i could borrow his car. I walk to his room and ask and get shut down, Shocker right? That's fine, I don't care, I would have been more surprised had he granted me the permission to take it. But I digress... I walk back to the living room and sit down to wait for Mylez, who would have driven seeing as how all I have is a permit and I don't have my contacts in, so I can't drive.
He follows me back out from his room and asks me what I need the car for. This is not unusual at all, in fact he always instinctively says no to any and everything, and then decides to think and inquire as to why someone would request anything from him. So I explain to him: "I'm going to Dwayne's house, and then we have to go to Intervale and one other spot, we're gonna be shooting a video." He then asks: "Do you get paid for that? All I hear is videos and pictures but I don't see shit" (by see shit he means revenue) I replied: "Listens its okay, I'll walk I don't need the car" because by now I had already tuned him out, then came the dagger through the heart. "You gotta find a way to do something for yourself, do something with your life!" FUCK YOU MOTHER FUCKER!
The nerve of this nigga! He doesn't know the first thing about me, if it weren't for the fact that he sleeps in my mothers room he would just be another fucking strange face on the streets. It would be a different story if he knew what my goals and all my hopes and dreams were but me and this man have never had ONE conversation.... That's not in anyway shape or form a joke, an exaggeration or lie, my (I say this with great hesitation) father and I have never had One conversation and we've been living in the same household together for 23 years! So where does he get off trying to tell me that I have to do something with my life.
I know he has no idea that this blog even exists, I mean shit I claim for his unemployment every week via the internet because he doesn't even know how to turn a computer on. But I wish he did so that he can read these words: "I am gonna do something with my life, as a matter of fact scratch that, I AM doing something with my life, and no it doesn't pay as much as it should right now, but when the faucet opens and pours down on me its gonna pay more than you've ever seen in your entire life, and guess what? Unless my mother decides to share her portion with you, you won't see one red cent!" I mean that from the deepest and darkest corner of my beating heart.
I used to lie in my bed and ask God how he could curse me with the father he did, but now 23 years later I realize that it wasn't a curse, it was a blessing. God has given me the blueprint of the man NOT to be.... The father and the husband that no one wants. Thank you Lord, I appreciate what you've placed before me. The lesson you've been trying to teach me all these years has been learned.
So I don't want his car, in fact when I get home I'm gonna take the spare keys that I have and put them back on his night stand, I don't want his money, I'd much rather starve than to buy a piece of bread with any money that comes from his pocket, Lord forbid I were ever to catch fire and he be the only person around to save me, because I would much rather die by burning to death than to know I was saved by him, I will not owe him my life a second time. I just don't know what hurts more, knowing that I lost my father today or knowing that I never really had one in the first place. Peace
and btw I walked to my boys crib, the shots for his up coming video came out great. It means more to me than he'll ever understand because to me its beginning marks the first day of the rest of my life. Theres only one way to go from here and that's up, and when I'm there I'll be too far to see those who didn't believe in me. Dueces ya!
Stay Up and Stay Tuned!