Saturday, June 27, 2015

Where Do I Stand?

What's going on Bull Penners!?
I know it's been so long since I posted anything. It's almost safe to say that I don't post anymore. Truth of the matter is my adult life has left me with very little time to document unless it's my babies blog or InstaGram. Lol

But I'm here and I've had things in mind worth writing about.

More recently it's been the subject or the question rather of being happy. Are you wondering what I mean? Well I'll tell you: I was 18 years old when I first asked myself "What is my purpose in life? Why am I here?" (in fact I might have even written about it) and while I doubt I've yet to find the answer to that question, I do feel I've gotten closer to a meaning/answer.
I truly believe there is no point in asking the question but rather simply live and find happiness or die trying.

I like to think that I am a happy person and I don't believe in stress or whatever else. Granted we all encounter stress and we all have moments when we can't take the pressures of life, but even with all that I try to smile through the bullshit.

These passed couple of weeks however I've been wondering if I've been putting my own happiness above anyone else's? Am I living a life where I'm happy? On first thought the answer is yes. I have my daughter who I love more than life it's self, a girlfriend who loves me like cooked food and the air in my lungs. What more could I ask for?

But I remain inquisitive. I believe that in making others happy (which I try to do often) you can easily lose yourself and become..... Not so happy.

Example: there's something out there that I want, and I've been reluctant to reach out and go all the way in my pursuit for fear of stepping on someone else's toes so to speak. Should it be that way? If I feel that acquiring this thing will make me happy, should I a give a flyin' ish about anyone else's toes? Should I be more selfish? Lol. A lot of questions I know. And I don't expect anyone to answer them for me. But I am starting to think that worrying about said toes are a form of making someone else happy while feeling like I myself could be happier.

I've reached the part of my writing I always reach. That point where it's just a little unclear where the point is going. So I bring it back with another question: do I let go of this desire, or do I say "fuck it, I'm going for mine!"? I want to tell you I'm going for mine hopefully next time we meet I can tell you I did.....