Saturday, February 23, 2013



What's going on Bull Penners. This is another one of those "Personal" type posts.

So the other night I got into somewhat of a "quarrel" on Instagram with a family member. Lookin back at it now I can see that it was childish and very unnecessary, but that's what this blog post is about, reflections.

First of all, if I may explain. I am a pretty cool dude. However, if there is anything that you should know from the anatomically correct heart tattooed on my arm, with the ribbon that reads "Members Only" it's this: I am very selective with who I let in! I mean, think about it, have you ever seen that tattoo? No right? It's hidden on my arm for a reason. You can see all the other ones, but that's one that you can't see unless I show it to you. That's not to say that if you haven't seen it I don't care about you, because that's simply not the case. However it is an indication of how I am in life. Yes, I wear my heart on my sleeve, but if I don't "fucks" with you then you are not allowed to touch it!

Does that make sense? Look at it like this. Think of the embarrassing family name that you've had since birth. Maybe it's Stink Butt, or Pookie, or whatever the fuck else your uncle gave you cause you had beady eyes or a huge bottom lip, or a swollen nose, whatever! It was cute til about 2nd grade, and then you got tired of it, but regardless your family always got away with calling you that because, well, they're your family. Simple enough to understand right? But then when one of the niggas in your classroom over heard it and decided to repeat it, it was a code red on his ass right!? Well that's how I am with joking. Even with the people in my circle. I can take being the butt of the jokes but only for so long before I hit you with the "Aight, that's enough!" I don't like to be laughed at, and I am willing to bet every penny that I am worth that I am not the only one.

Some people are better at dealing with it than I am, but the fact still remains that every one has a boiling point right? Anyway... That's what was going on in the Instagram world. I was being joked on and I wasn't having it.   

On the way to work the next day I spoke to Buddy, Eish and Rudy about it and they made me realize that I was in the wrong. And now I stand here before you a man strong enough (I think,) to admit that it was a LONG trip to work! I mean, one thing I believe is that no one can tell you that you are wrong for feeling what you feel. They can disagree with it, but no one can change YOUR mind!
But basically it was my family tellin me that I am an angry individual. That my temper sometimes get the best of me. Again, it's very hard for me to admit it but I guess it's true. I'll tell you something, nothing is realer than an unintended intervention in a moving car! Nowhere to go, sitting there taking whatever is coming your way from those you love.

However the same way a phoenix dies and rises from it's own ashes, I took those words as my flames, and when the car stopped and I got out, I took that moment as me rising from my ashes! I decided that although I didn't agree with what was being said it had to be true in some way.
I'm a pretty logical dude, I've been in situations where I am trying to tell someone about themselves and they just refuse to believe that what I am saying is true. So I figured If I've ever been a part of the lynch mob trying to tell a man "what it is" and he's not believing it, then how is it that I can be on the other side and think to myself "Well these 3 people can't all be on the same page, simply to be against me." So I STILL don't agree but I accepted the fact that maybe, I am an angry individual. That's fine tho, I feel angry is the new word given to a revolutionist. That'll be explained later.

So what did I learn? Well what I already knew, "people don't like having the mirror turned on themselves. People don't like to be told who they are and definitely don't like to be reminded of their flaws by anyone else but the reflection in the mirror!" I'm no exception to that rule.

And that, leads us into the second portion of this post.

If I don't like having the mirror turned on me, well I'm not the only one. On the ride to work today the topic of discussion was lateness and how bad Rudy and Buddy are with time. I made a statement about how much I don't like to wait for people and how I'm not sure who's worst between Rudy and Buddy. Both of them move like dogs with absolutely no human regard for time and other peoples courtesy. So Buddy didn't like the comment because he personally feels that Rudy is WAY worse than he is. But again that's the mirror being pointed at him. See, the thing of it is this: you are never going to see yourself the way anyone else sees you. The same way your voice sounds different to you when you hear a recording of it is the same way that you see yourself differently than others see you. Buddy defended his point til the point that he began to sound upset. Not in a rage of course cause that's not the type of dude that Buddy is, but he did remind me of myself the day before, choosing not to agree with the other 3 people in the car. And just like that, the table was turned, or should I say the mirror was flipped!

See when its all said and done, I seriously do not believe that I am an angry individual. If anything I simply believe that I think on a different wave length then most people.
 That's me seeing myself differently than how you see me. Buddy doesn't believe he is as bad as Rudy when it comes to tardiness, but that's simply him seeing himself differently. We always see ourselves in the best possible light, but we quickly forget that there is two versions of ourselves. There is the person we see in the mirror and that's how we see ourselves, mentally, physically and whatever else differently from how the world sees us! We are all walking with two faces, two different entities all in our one body!

Did any of that make sense?

Stay Up and Stay Tuned.

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