Sunday, March 25, 2012

Torn Apart (Thinkin to Myself)

What's goin on ya'll?
First and foremost, I know, I know.... I been MIA. I'm sorry, I haven't been finding the time to post these days. In fact I just deleted about 5 pending posts that I started but never revisited. So that should show you that I been tryin lol. Anyway, no excuses, I'll try to get back on it again.

But anyway, I just woke up from a 2-3 hour nap on the couch and as I got up and walked from one sleepin place to an another (my bed) I began to think to myself "Damn bruh, Saturday night, and you home?" Lol, yeah I am, and honestly I don't see anythin wrong with that, however I then thought to myself "It's time to find that significant other." Yeah, that's what this is about. I think I might have written about this before, but whatever, imma discuss it again.
I put on a real good front, but at the end of the day, when I'm going to sleep and I'm alone with my thoughts, I start to think that I'm gettin older and I need someone to laugh with, someone to roll with and someone to say good night to other than my boys and my family. It's funny cause people always tell you to enjoy being single and I KNOW that relationships are nothin but headaches and bullshit, but hey, I'm human, I want those headaches and that bullshit. I feel like Will Smith in "Hancock." Ya ever seen that movie? He was a super hero who never aged, but the closer he got to the love of his life, his other half, the more human he became losing his powers and all that. Being single is the equivalent to being the hero here, and bein honest, I don't mind losing my powers.

So I think about it, and for the first time ever I'm admitting that I must doing somethin wrong here. So I started to think back. The last 2 girls I was talkin to and gettin to know didn't work out. Wanna here how those two fell apart? Yeah sure I'll tell you.

The first one: We'd known each other for a while through some mutual friends and business partners, but we never really spoke til she started paying more attention to my tweets (or at least that's how I remember it.) So, me being who I am, I thought to myself "See what's up, maybe she likes you" and decided to give her my math. She was a lil hesitant to hit me up for whatever reason but she finally did and before you knew it we couldn't stop talkin on the phone. We hung out a few times and even started to express the fact that we were feelin each other and that it was quite possible that something more serious could come of this. But then she found out that I was a Mason. Nothin mattered after that. She couldn't shake the fact that I was down with the brothers and I feel that ultimately that led to her separating herself and leaving me to roam alone again. After it was all said and done I really didn't care, I figured "if she can't accept who and what I am then she's not the one for me anyway."

Then the second one: Again, we'd known each other for a while now, this time via the internet (Facebook and Twitter) we had been speakin a while back but it never really got passed any point other then phone conversations and texts. I had expressed to her that I liked her early in the game, cause I know how that friend zone works and I refuse to end up there anymore. So for whatever reason that died down. If I remember correctly, she went on vacation and we didn't speak much after she had returned. But like most things often change, so did our silence with each other. Not too long ago, I would say maybe 2 or 3 months, we had got back on the communication horse. We realized that we worked not too far from each other and set up an after work meet up. Finally after almost a year of knowing her simply through technology I met the person in the flesh. I remember thinkin to myself "Damn son, her pictures do her lil justice, she's beautiful in person" and we seemed to hit it off a lil bit. We took the train home a few times, I even walked her home the times that we did. I wouldn't say that things were getting serious or anything, but she knew I liked her and she admitted enjoyin speakin to me. So things were good til one day I realized a few days had passed without hearing from her. When I started hittin her up again I would get one word responses and very far and spaced out in between. So I thought to myself "I really don't wanna mess this one up, lemme hit her up and see what's wrong" and I asked her straight up if she'd lost interest in me cause that's the vibe I had gotten. She told me that she did, but that she was like that, she is the type to simply get bored with people and lose interest at the drop of a dime which I knew. But damn, I thought I had been keepin her attention well enough. Guess not huh? So I told her that I respected her honesty and moved on. Haven't spoken to her since.

So now here I am, alone, tired of bein alone and wondering where I went wrong. I came to only one conclusion.... See with both the girls I mentioned I can honestly say I did nothing wrong to lose em. I played my position and I feel I always play my position well. I didn't do too much nor did I do too little. I feel I was the well balanced guy that showed he is bf material. But I did see a similar behavior in myself with both situations that may be wrong on my behalf. My pride. Yeah.... that's a bitch right there, and I have pride for days! My whole "Oh it aint work out, fuck it" attitude. The whole "I ain't chasin nobody" thought process. I take a lot of pride in gettin the picture cause I know a lot of niggas aint like that. Some guys can be told straight up by a girl "please don't talk to me" and keep goin like shorty never even opened her mouth. And I be lookin like: "Damn nigga, where's your self respect? Keep it movin, she aint interested" but then weeks and or months later those are the same niggas you see with that same girl who shut 'em down.
So back to my first thought of maybe me being the one doin something wrong. Could that be it, could it be that I aint consistent with mine? Maybe I SHOULD be tryin to chase one (in this case in particular it would be the second one mentioned in the story, cause I actually miss her.) Maybe I should keep talkin after bein told "Don't talk to me." I play my position very well but I'm quick to bench myself after I miss a shot, and let's be honest, nobody gets to the championship that way.

So what do I do? Do I say "Fuck it, I'll get off the bench and back in the game someday" or do I say, "Nah, fuck that, I missed that shot but I aint out this game just yet!" I know my answer, but I keep thinkin every time I pick up the phone to text or call shorty I'm being annoyin, and that's never been my style. Am I supposed to feel that way? Maybe I can just try to make her laugh again and I'll be back in. Lol. I don't know man. But I do know one thing; a Saturday night alone is fine, but havin someone to share it with would be a million times better in my opinion. That's just me tho. Never been the Lone Wolf type, I always been more of a Lion. And the Lion might be King, but he wants his Queen there with em right?

Stay Up and Stay Tuned.

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