I just reminded myself how emotional I am. I'm here tryna blast this music to escape my own mind and the thoughts that it's playing in my head. It's not working. I'm sitting here literally tryna "Man Up" and stop these tears from pouring down my face. I'm glad no one is here with me, cause I don't wanna have to answer anyone's questions, sittin here cryin like a lil kid. I guess it all finally hit me, I've finally broken down. But maybe writing about it will help some.
I had one of those in depth, heart to heart, son and mother conversations with mom early this morning. We were here on the couch just choppin it up about everything. We do this every once in a while. We broke night just talking, enjoying each others company. Of the topics, of course my father was one of em. I told my mom that I've given up on trying to be friends with him, I told her that I've tried to be the bigger man in the situation for far too long and now... I'm done. I'm gonna be 24 in August and in that time I can't remember ONE conversation that he and I have had, not even a "Hey, how's school son?" "Is that your girlfriend?" I mean damn fam, I live with the man. That shit hurts b! And even while I was talking to mom about it, I felt like I was puttin up a good front. I been hiding behind this chip tooth'd smile of mine for a very very long time. I woke up today after a night of hangin out with the fellas (Sue's fathers day cookout) and I got on facebook. Of course the trend is fathers day. Everyone wishing their father a Happy Fathers day, people wishing all the fathers of the world a Happy Fathers day, posting pictures of them and heir fathers, or just their father as their default. The web is just filled with love to the men who have been there for their children right now. And all that did for me was remind me of the only picture I have of my old man sitting me on his lap as a kid. He has a smile from ear to ear, and I promise you that's a man that I no longer know. I gave all my niggas daps and hugs last night. Reg, Perse, Penny, I even wished Melissa a Happy fathers Day. Dirt wasn't there but happy father's day nigga! Mayo, Killa, Happy father's day to ya as well. My big brother Chris (CFK,) Happy Fathers day broski. And thinkin about it reminded me of the relationship I have with mine. My mom left with my little brother to Honduras back in April. The 13th to be exact, and whether you believe it or not that's the last time me and my father have spoken any words between us. And to top it off it was a big fight where we all but physically hit each other. Can you picture living with a person that you haven't said peep to in over 2 months and very little before then? I talk my shit, and I say what I say, but the ONE person I can't lie to is myself. I love my father, I do, and I sincerely appreciate all he's ever done for me, and will continue to do for me. But I can't lie to myself and tell myself that I like him and its because he's so damn cold with me and the family. He's the life of the party with his friends, smiles and jokes and laughs, but at home is a straight faced mute that gives us (his family) the feeling that we're a severe burden on him. What did I do? What did we do?
Like I said, I been frontin for some time now.... I miss my pops man, I want him back, and quite frankly I've been treating this relationship like glass. It's broken, and we can try to glue it back all we want but once glass is broken, that's it. Right?
I don't know man. And by the way, I guess I found something that music and writing can't fix for me....
Took a lot for me to write this man, but when it's all said and done, These are just words.
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